Beauty in each day

Well, it has been a while since I have written. Things are still up and down. The reactions are still bad, but I am getting used to it more and learning when to risk them being bad and when not to. I have slept a lot this week. I have been really tired. Last night I got quite emotional and was still feeling that way this morning. The temptation to sleep all day again was there, but it feels like I have slept a lot this week. I read a bit in the Bible and I had a message from a friend, both of which encouraged me to find and appreciate the beauty in today. I know I need to rest at the moment, but I also want to find the beauty in each day. So, I have spent quite a bit of time painting my nails, listening to my current favourite worship song and doing some dance/movement to it. I am definitely encouraged. Ready to move into something more normal now, but I think I need to make sure I keep on finding some beauty or creating some beauty, each day.

I will extol the Lord at all times, his praise will always be on my lips.

Feeding my soul

There are a few of my favourite bits from the Bible that I keep reminding myself of at the moment, ones I know off by heart and can speak out whenever I need reminding, they might be paraphrased slightly: “with God all things are possible.” “Nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.” “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” He loves me with an “everlasting love and draws me with his loving kindness” There are others, but they are my favourites right now. But sometimes I come across ones I have forgotten and they feed my soul too, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” Isaiah 26:3 and 4.

Where else can I turn, but to him. Who else knows me and understands me better than I do myself. “I will extol the lord at all times. His praise will always be on my lips.” He is my helper, my creator, the maker of heaven and earth.

Yikes

Today I reacted a lot whilst on the school run, with other mums. I felt like a right weirdo. Then I was terrified to take my son to his swimming lesson given how I don’t seem to be doing at all well in public places. So then I could see a few things looming that feel difficult, swimming lesson, a night with my husband working nights, just a night anyway as had the most awful dreams last night…another school run. I know it is ridiculous this is so hard, yet it feels out of my control. It is so much easier to not see people, not go places, just focus on time with God and my husband and children. Because it all feels so big. But, God is bigger. Remember this is just for now. Enjoy the positive sides of it, time to rest…in the knowledge it won’t stay like this. I have to keep reminding myself these things. Don’t look at the wind. Look into His eyes…and keep being thankful.

Nourishment for the soul

I have been looking a little more at a couple of things I was reminded of yesterday. Genesis 1:1, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.” So, that is how it was, darkness over the deep…yet out of that came the beauty of creation because God was hovering over the waters and he spoke and great stuff happened. A couple of thoughts…even in the darkness over the deep, there was still God there and so it wasn’t hopeless..there was potential which he spoke out and what excitement, creativity, fun, pleasure, beauty, joy as He creates everything. Beautiful. That is my God. Things feel dark sometimes. Deep, darkness inside sometimes…yet God’s spirit is still here with me….yet it is nothing compared with what I read here and what God did.
I will read Job 38 and Psalm 104 when I need to remind myself of his greatness as creator..and how I need to humble myself and trust.

Also want to read Psalm 107:22-32 again.

I read about Peter walking on the water to Jesus. I noticed it was still windy as Peter walked towards him, Jesus could have stilled it, but he didn’t because Peter could still walk on the water despite the weather, wind etc as long as he had faith and kept his eyes on Jesus. It was when he stopped that he became scared, doubted and began to sink. Fix eyes on Jesus, so I am not one with little faith. This weekend I did exactly what Peter did. I looked at the waves, became scared, doubted, began to sink… I need to fix my gaze on Jesus. “He who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind…” James 1.6

Hebrews 12:1 and 2. Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before jim endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ” Love the fact he is the one who is perfecting our faith, I can see how he is improving my faith right now. How good he is to me. Also notice the fact he endured the cross and scorned its shame. Am I to endure things sometimes, but scorn the shame in doing so because I may have to endure it for good to come out, but that doesn’t mean taking the shame on as mine…Can I walk this with faith despite the wind, fix my eyes on Jesus and scorn the shame in how I am right now?

God is beautiful.

Remember, he is GOD.

By last night I was discouraged, weary and fearful. I had gone to have a take away with good friends, my parents babysitting so we could do so. Before we even got there I was struggling, had snapped at my Mum and hated the fact I had done so. Throughout the evening I reacted a lot, puffing and panting mainly. I hate it. It felt like it was really difficult, yet this was supposed to be a nice evening with good friends…I left wondering if I couldn’t see people at all. First the shop, then this…it was too much in one day. I took my eyes off what God has said and was looking at the circumstances and was therefore sinking rapidly. I need to keep my eyes on Him, locked into his. It reminds me of Peter getting out of the boat and walking towards Jesus on the water and I will re-read that tomorrow, but it is getting a bit later tonight. Who are we to say what is possible or impossible. Who are we to try and put God in a box and limit him? That is what I do if I look at the circumstances. I do not understand why I have all these reactions. It says in Ephesians Jesus is our peace. I don’t understand why I don’t seem to be at peace and yet I truly love him. I don’t understand why my body reacts so  much being in a shop or at a friend’s house, as if I am in a highly stressful situation and then more so. BUT.. I am not required to understand. His thoughts are higher, ways are higher… I am just required to trust God anyway. That doesn’t need to be my reality. My reality is what God says. I would clearly like to keep a grip on reality still though, just to point out given I have a psychiatric assessment coming up. 🙂 But you know, it is how it is right now, BUT God is God. Keep my eyes on him and do not waver into doubt. This is happening because he has good things in store for me and us. God has said so. I know it. I am hopeful, as long as I am focused on him. So do not lose sight of that and listen to anything else. It is vitally important.

I am often re-reading the same things in the Bible at the moment, reminding myself of things I feel encouraged by or need to remember. As I re-read Hosea 2 today, I was challenged to not despise the desert. It is there in the desert that good stuff is given. “I am now going to allure her. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.” I need to be thankful to God for the desert, because he loves me. I can trust him. I felt encouraged by that today. I decided to take a bit of a step and go to the evening service at church. I knew I couldn’t deal with all the people at the morning one, but the evening one is smaller, different. I was still scared, bearing in mind the reactions both of yesterday and the last time I went there two weeks ago. I therefore tried to get someone to go with me, but struggled! I found someone who was going who said I could sit with her, which helped and so I went, reminding myself I could come home if it got too much. I am so glad I went. I feel encouraged, reminded to look with eyes of faith and not in the natural.

As I drove there I saw fireworks in the dark night sky. I appreciated their beauty. I realised their beauty wouldn’t be seen in the sunlight and once again realised I need to appreciate the beauty to be found in this dark night I find myself in, enjoy and appreciate the vibrant colours, the beautiful things and give thanks for them. God’s beauty can shine so much in the dark night, as can all the things he gives me. I need to focus not on the darkness of the night, but of the beautiful fireworks, where the darkness is just the canvas to show the real beauty upon.

At the meeting itself, I started at the back, realising it was a dark room and if I stood at the back it could just be me and God…. but after a while I felt nudged, that he wanted me to feel like I belong, that I am welcome. So I swallowed my fear and went to sit down at the front. I did react a lot at times. But I also had times when I could focus on God and generally felt so encouraged. I was reminded  by someone sharing that nothing is impossible with God. Nothing. HE IS GOD. There was just darkness and out of that came people, the world… nothing is impossible for him. Remember “my help comes from the Lord, the MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH” It doesn’t get any more dark than it was then does it, I’m not at that stage! 🙂 Yet consider the beautiful things he created, the marvellous works of his hands.. this is him. This is where my help comes from. I must trust him. I do not need to reason it. He can do it. Someone came and prayed with me. She was spot on. She said God is increasing my joy at this time, joy in my children, husband, friends… and giving me a childlike faith. And I was reminded of the reality of that faith filled realm- the realm of God. That is the realm I want to live in- regardless of what my body/mind etc. is up to. Lots of reasons to be thankful. It is easy to do so when I am on my own, or just with God. It gets harder to do that when I am with people or trying to do normal life. I guess because in my own self I am in a really bad way. Yet through God that is not who I am. The enemy will try and make me think that is the whole story. But it is not. So remember to give thanks tonight….

Life on pause- in a car

Right now I am sitting in my car outside a supermarket as my family are inside. For some inexplicable reason my reactions had got too extreme and I needed to listen to my body and come and rest. Some of the symptoms are really bad, to the extent that although I don’t want it to stop me doing some things, but it has to. In myself generally I feel very hopeful, even excited by what God is doing. I know I can trust him absolutely. I feel like at home I feel much more normal, positive, better with the children…hot flashes have reduced significantly. I no longer have to go and lie down at home..in some ways things feel very positive. I feel very positive. Things with God are good…things with the family are good…have really had some great contact with people lately and I am very thankful. Thursday I spoke to a friend I haven’t spoken to for years! I never understood what had happened and it saddened me. We were reconciled and will talk again. I appreciated it so much. So much to be thankful for and I am practising being thankful more. Reminding myself I can trust him more too. I don’t understand why I still have such big reactions. I don’t understand. Don’t know why a bit of shopping has me puffing and panting. It was the same yesterday at the doctor’s. He thought I may get tourettes diagnosis.  I don’t know or understand it much…but I do know I can trust God. I still have to remind myself sometimes…last night I got caught up worrying what people at work think and it spiralled. But I know I can trust him. I am learning. I still have so much to learn. But God is good and faithful. I have been signed off work six more weeks. I felt like God reminded me there is a “time to heal.”

Calm after the prayer…

Last night was encouraging. I went to a small group style meeting with some people from church, (not joined it very long ago so don’t know people well), I was reacting a lot being there, which I found hard. Glad hubby was there! They prayed for me, and God was definitely at work. I reacted even more, often related to what they said. My husband said he had never seen it that bad before. I had some gross phlegm type stuff come up in my mouth, they put oil on my hands and prayed a blessing and for me to have joy… a lot of the prayers were very relevant, given they didn’t know much at all. And someone had a sense that we would be sailing into calm waters now, with the storm behind. A reminder that God is a perfect father and loves me, and that I do not need to worry about my children. That was such a relief. I am so desperate for my children to have it different from how I had it, for it to be different for them. So when I see myself “not being good enough” it terrifies me.

There is a definite improvement today….which is so exciting and encouraging. Though it is not completely better, I am still having some of the symptoms. I also had a letter through today for a psychiatric assessment- which is a little confusing. Part of me doesn’t know what God is doing, if he is healing me without me needing the diagnoses or if I am going to still have those….and there is a part of me that wants to know, as if I am in control and need to work it out/know how it is going to go etc. I don’t do I . I need to let go of that control and once again, remember my times are in His hands. I will keep reminding myself of that in the coming weeks. The appointment is not for another month and part of me wonders if it will be all healed by then, what if the appointment comes through and I’m better by then? What then? I don’t need to worry about that. God is at work. He has his hand on us. I can let go of the burdens I have carried for years and let God sort it, let him be God. Trust him and remember my times are in his hands.  Seeing a GP tomorrow, hoping the doctor’s note will take me up to this assessment, given the nature of my work. Again, I need to pray and trust.

Psalm 31:14-17

I trust in you, O Lord, I say, you are my God. My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. Let me not be put to shame O Lord, for I have cried out to you.

Psalm 121:1-2

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.”

Maker of Heaven and Earth!

Today I cling to, meditate on and consistently find pleasure in this verse, “I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from THE LORD, THE MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH!” Psalm 121:1 and 2. Someone once said that as the psalmist looked up to the hills, he’d have seen trouble coming his way, people coming against him…but as he faced that trouble, that could have seemed overwhelming, he knew where his help came from. It isn’t that there won’t be difficulties, troubles, things that seem to attack us…but that in the midst of it, or as we stand facing it, we can focus not on that, but on the knowledge our God is bigger. He us the Lord. He made the heavens and the earth! How good is that for putting things in perspective. We have no reason to fear if we look to him. I don’t understand why my body still reacts severely to the slightest things, why just getting my children ready for school or buying a few things from Tesco makes me feel so ill…it feels like it is out of my control…that is the trouble that faces me right now, but I have no reason to fear. Rather I can remind myself, and delight in the fact that my help comes from the lord. The Lord who made earth and heaven! How awesome is he. Nothing to fear. I can trust him. He is so good. He is doing good things. Just wait and see.