In two days time I will be travelling for three hours for private psychiatric assessments. I am waiting to find out if I will gain any new diagnoses… waiting to hear what new experts think of my symptoms. How do I feel? I feel like I’m waiting, waiting and wondering, “will I get more diagnoses?” ” how will that affect how people view me?” ” will my ability to be a parent be questioned?” ” will I work again?” I have been off work for two weeks, after having had seizures on the way to work, they decided I can’t go in there anymore. It seems unlikely I will work there again. It feels like my health will cause me to lose my job. My marriage feels fragile, my family feel delicate, finances are uncertain, some friendships may not make it…. so much rides on our physical and mental health and the strain of poor health takes it’s toll on all areas.
I can’t help feeling like I am waiting, but maybe I can help where my wondering thoughts take me to… Instead of wondering about worst case scenarios, maybe I can fix my eyes on God, maybe I can remember that I am loved unconditionally, just as I am, maybe I can remember that God is fighting for me and rooting for me, maybe I can remember that I do not need to fear and that God has plans to prosper me and not harm me… this is not the end.
journey2shalom 