It’s a long journey.

I started this blog in October 2013. It is now February 2018. My ‘About’ section on this site is very outdated. As I read the posts from the beginning I see how weary I have become along the journey.  how I have deteriorated. How sad to be able to look through and see myself go downhill, see my hope that shined so brightly, lose it’s shine and begin to fade, how what at first I believed to be a phase, a season, something I would come out of, has become how I and most others expect it to be. The support from others I had around me at first has diminished,  as my own efforts to stay positive myself has.  This is now a long term thing.  Does anyone really believe things will change anymore? I’m not the same person as I was four years ago. This has taken it’s toll. I’m not proud of that. I’d love to have stayed that strong throughout despite everything I have faced in my body and mind, but I am human.  I am flawed. I have walked through the fire but I have been burned. I think a lot of people are quick to point the finger at me.  I feel judged a lot these days in a way I didn’t at first. And supported less. Yes I guess I have failed. I am having to accept my limitations. Not because I want to, but because I need to, to stay as well as I can be for myself and my husband and children. I have just decided I can’t be a part of a church anymore. Not because my beliefs have changed, not because I don’t want to, but because I just can’t do it. I’m not up to it. For a while I have just gone to smaller gatherings. But I need to stop that now too.

Life is not how I would choose it to be right now. I am not how I would choose to be either. But I believe God remains the same. So I ask God from somewhere deep…please forgive me. I’m sorry. Protect me. Don’t let me go. Lead me into the good things I believe you want for me. Show me the way out of this and help me walk towards freedom and healing. Transform me. Dig out the roots of sin in me and fill me with your love.  Help me to love others again. Help me know you with me through this and keep my arms raised towards you when I am too weak. I choose to praise you because I know you to be good. Please protect my family and especially mu children. Let them not suffer through these struggles or have mental health struggles themselves. Please, somehow, turn it all around and use this for good.

Just shalom. No journey. Here, now.

I started this blog several years ago. At that time I very much felt like I was on some sort of journey towards ‘healing’, a journey towards ‘shalom’, peace, life as God intended it to be… my focus was very much on that journey, on trying to work out how to reach that destination that seemed so elusive.

I’ve had a change in perspective recently. I’m not so sure that the blog title ‘journey 2 shalom’ reflects my views anymore. You see, for me, I became too focused on trying to heal, trying to get better, trying to reach some unmet need or fix some brokeness, yet the more i focused on it, the more I sought on my own the answers, the more tangled up and bogged down I seemed to get.

For me the hope comes instead from God. From realising he gave everything so I can be redeemed, so I can be the way I was created to be, so I can be a new creation and live in freedom. Now. So I can thank him for the hope and future he gives me and believe it. So I can let go of my old wounds and know the freedom of surrendering that battle, surrendering that journey, no longer seeking to try and work it all out myself because I can trust him. Knowing the privilege and freedom that comes as I let go and draw close to him. He gives me my new identity, an identity no longer found in brokeness but in the fact I am loved.

I don’t have to pursue a journey anymore. I don’t have to chase after healing. God has always loved me. He meets me where I am and he is enough for me, he is all I need.

Personality disorder vs the Bible

 

You may or may not be aware that one of my more recent diagnoses is that I have a personality disorder, specifically borderline personality disorder. A couple of professionals pointed out traits of this in my life several years ago, but it has only been more recently I have been officially diagnosed. As the mind website says “Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a type of personality disorder. Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where your attitudes, beliefs and behaviours cause you longstanding problems in your life.” For more specific info you can look it up. But my point in posting is that I have been reading the Bible today and I feel that much of my traits that cause me to hold this diagnosis are not in line with the Holy Spirit, but are rather aspects of my former self that I should be putting on the cross. I realise many are quick to point out mental health is an illness and I hate to undo their hard work. I agree. I have no control over my mood swings for example. There is also no way I could cope without medication. But sometimes there is also an element of our actions and behaviours. And in this i feel challenged to put off my former self and be led by the Holy Spirit. I hope that this guidance will be effective treatment in overcoming much of this particular diagnosis. Thanks for reading.

I had my diagnoses confirmed by an nhs psychiatrist recently: Dissociative disorder, somatic symptom disorder, anxiety disorder, non epileptic attack disorder, tourettes with ocd traits, borderline personality disorder…. It’s quite a list isn’t it.

So I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that I am officially someone with complex mental health issues. I watch hopes and dreams die, watch my world shrink as I am able to do less and see less people than ever…. people become just names on facebook..but life goes on and I take each day at a time, adjusting and coping with what each day brings. I focus a lot on my children, on being the best I can be for them and on their everday needs. But what about the bigger questions? Can I improve? Will I be mentally stable? Will I work again? Can I be in a church community? How do I become the best of myself? Is there still hope for me? Is there a future for me?

I don’t know the answers. I know at one stage I would have found hope in verses like “I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to give you a hope and a future….” I don’t know what I think any more. I hope there is still hope for me. I hope there is a future for me. I’m not sure how to reach it.

Answers on a postcard….

 

 

Making sense of the abnormal

I saw my psychiatrist today, a routine appointment. Well, as routine as it can be when the patient screams, shakes profusely and wets herself. I didn’t end up on the floor today, so at least that is one positive. But, nevertheless, I leave situations like this and it rocks me. I feel physically drained, my throat hurts from the screaming, but more than that, my sense of identity feels like it has taken a battering. I don’t know why I regularly have episodes like this. It’s bad enough that often my mind feels out of control, but during these episodes it is usually the case with my body and voice too. She asked whether I am safe to be at home, to which we said yes, because thankfully the majority of my week is not spent in states like these. But still, at least some of the time is, on a regular basis. How do I reconcile that with who I am?

In the bible there is a story of when Jesus and his disciples were in the boat when a storm came. The disciples grèw anxious and woke up Jesus, who was sleeping. Jesus challenged them, did they not have faith? Did they not trust Him? The wind and waves obeyed him and grew still at his command.

I feel like I am not just in a storm. I feel like the storm is in me, or maybe that I’m not in the boat but I am in the sea during the storm, the waves crashing over me, as I gulp for breath. What would he say to me? Would he still tell me to stay calm and trust? Would he offer me an arm to get into the boat? When will he silence the storm?

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. The waves will not sweep over you…”

Sometimes the waves feel like they are above me, when I am out of control and shaking or screaming…not all the time, but some of the time for sure. They are too big for me, too big to fight. But I can take comfort in the fact I am not alone. He is with me, always. Hopefully soon the storm may pass. But until then, I will, in the words of Nemo, “just keep swimming.” And, as i struggle to reconcile how i am in those moments with my identity, I will maybe think of myself as someone who is learning to swim in deep waters, with my God always by my side.

 

 

Collecting diagnoses,returning to trust God.

I was recently assessed again by a private psychiatrist. She gave me some new diagnoses. I now have several. I’ve been in a bad way, there is no doubt about it. I just read my ‘about’page on here from three years ago and it feels way out of date. Things are worse now (and not just because we lost out tropical fish!)

So, the biggest diagnosis I have picked up recently is that I have a dissociative disorder.Namely DDNOS, which is basically some of the aspects of DID, without all of them fully, at least at this stage. It can turn into DID if not treated. DID is probably more familiar to people, it is what used to be called multiple personality disorder, and is a serious and very debilitating illness.. lots of different alternate personalities that emerge at different times with different names. Thankfully I’m not at that stage, but it concerns me that doctors think I am going on that direction. It concerns me that my husband says sometimes he feels like he has three children rather than two. It concerns me to read in the report of the assessment that they felt I kept switching to different personalities including being very childlike at times throughout my assessment. It concerns ne when I feel like I literally don’t know myself or who I am. It concerns me when I am frequently not in control of my own body.

I also now have Somatic symptom disorder, which from what I gather is a fancy way of saying I have non epileptic attacks and tourettes due to my anxiety and mental health.

So now I am officially a basket case, with tourettes, dissociative disorder, somatic symptom disorder, non epileptic attack disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, manic tendencies, Ocd traits, borderline personality traits…

How did I feel? To start with it felt good to finally have someone acknowledge that what I struggle with is serious. It has been bloody hard for a long time! But did I/do I want everyone to know how bad it is? Actually no. I don’t want to be defined by this… and actually what I have realised is the trade off for people seeing how hard it is is that I have got worse. I don’t function as well as I used to. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want this trend to continue. If i continue to worsen then in another few years I dread to think where I will be. Something has to change. Some days I feel like I can’t go on, I can’t take it any more. But because of my children I must go on, so I do, but I get worse and worse as I feel overwhelmed and lose hope.

But that is where I was going so wrong. A few years ago I absolutely believed I would be healed by God. I believed he had given me ‘his oath.’ I pressed into him, I claimed scripture, but when it didn’t happen I started to look for ways the healing might come, namely through people. I still knew God was ultimately the answer, but at the same time I was drifting further away and was searching for someone to help me, to offer me hope of healing. I felt desperate and was taking it into my own hands to see this healing come about.

Things went from bad to worse, which is perhaps not surprising in light of Jeremiah 17:

Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands, he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.

I have been like that bush in the wasteland. I put my hope in man..it led to more crap. I repent, I want to look to God, trust in God, depend on God for everything like I know I used to. I don’t know how much of these illnesses I was always going to have and how much has been based on life circumstances, choices, mistakes and sin. I sometimes feel like I have completely failed at life. But the good news is it is not over yet and can I dare to believe it will stop getting worse? I am reminded of Abraham, who was told he would father many, but as time went by he got impatient, he looked to make it happen himself through his servant girl, but by the grace of God, God stood by his word and still blessed him with many descendents. I choose to put my trust in God:

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a free planted by the water that sends out it’s roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, it’s leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit .

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3.

Waiting and wondering…

In two days time I will be travelling for three hours for private psychiatric assessments. I am waiting to find out if I will gain any new diagnoses… waiting to hear what new experts think of my symptoms. How do I feel? I feel like I’m waiting, waiting and wondering, “will I get more diagnoses?” ” how will that affect how people view me?” ” will my ability to be a parent be questioned?” ” will I work again?” I have been off work for two weeks, after having had seizures on the way to work, they decided I can’t go in there anymore. It seems unlikely I will work there again. It feels like my health will cause me to lose my job. My marriage feels fragile, my family feel delicate, finances are uncertain, some friendships may not make it…. so much rides on our physical and mental health and the strain of poor health takes it’s toll on all areas.

I can’t help feeling like I am waiting, but maybe I can help where my wondering thoughts take me to… Instead of wondering about worst case scenarios, maybe I can fix my eyes on God, maybe I can remember that I am loved unconditionally, just as I am, maybe I can remember that God is fighting for me and rooting for me, maybe I can remember that I do not need to fear and that God has plans to prosper me and not harm me… this is not the end.

 

Blessed be your name

Habakkuk 3:17-18

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
    and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
    and there be no herd in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
    I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

 

 Philippians 4:11-13

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. ¹² I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³ I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Feeling challenged today to focus on God and praise him, regardless of how I feel or how I am doing with my mind and my health. He remains the same and deserves to be praised. Whether I am ill or whether I am healthy, I wish to praise the Lord every day. Regardless of how I am, blessed be the name of the Lord.

Isaiah 26:4

Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord we have an everlasting rock.

Deuteronomy 33

The eternal God is your refuge,
    and underneath you are the everlasting arms;
He will drive out the enemy before you,
    and will say, “Destroy them.”