Positive vs. negative

It’s widely accepted in education that praise is more effective than criticism when it comes to getting good results from children. Studies have also shown similar results in adults. One study focused on adults working in teams in a business setting and found that the most effective teams were those who used on average 6 positive statements for every 1 negative one. Another psychologist found this ratio was similar in marriages, with those using lots of praise rather than criticism being more likely to have happy marriages.

Yet how many of us are more likely to criticize ourselves and find fault with ourselves rather than encourage ourselves? I think many of us see it almost as being something we are supposed to do, to combat every positive compliment with a negative side; or perhaps we consider negative things other people might say about us. But that isn’t going to be in our best interest is it, so why would we choose to do that? Is it any wonder that over a long period of time that can have a really negative impact?

What then, is the antidote to this? A therapeutic approach may suggest things like speaking to yourself and saying well done, or acknowledging and being thankful for small achievements. Whilst these things may be beneficial to some extent, what happens when we don’t do things as well as we want to? When we find ourselves struggling to cheer for ourselves….What then?

In the Bible it says many things that tell us God is on our side.,”If God is for us, who can stand against us.” It also tells us he thinks of us with many positive thoughts and even “rejoices over us with singing.” That reminds me of a love song, a celebration of how much he loves each of us. It is pretty full on. It would probably feel pretty awkward if we did that to each other in our culture…It is an extravagant expression of love, celebration, enjoyment and it can all encourage us. I sung like that to my four year old child the other day, and even in that, I felt a little self-conscious. Yet God is all out, singing about how much he loves us, cheering us on. He is for us, on our side, and it doesn’t depend on us being good enough. He made us and he knows our weaknesses, that we were made from dust.

I wonder if we can somehow change the way we are tuned in….turn the volume down on those negative voices criticizing us, whether they are internal or external, and turn the volume up on the voice that really matters. After all, I wonder if we are all like big kids at heart. I think we all want to hear we are doing okay, to cheer us on. Perhaps we need to offer that encouragement to each other more. But ultimately…maybe we can learn to turn our ear to the cheering on of the one who really matters, our Daddy God. He’s singing over us, he knows and cares. He’s for us, not against us.

If this could really sink in on every level, how different would we be? Anyone game for trying to find out? I am…..

The Power of Love

I feel very struck at the moment by the power of love. I think it is something that we generally underestimate. I have read some quotes by Mother Theresa. I think she grasped the power of love. There are many quotes that are inspirational by her. Here are just two:

“We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love.”

God made the world for the delight of human beings- if we could see his goodness everywhere, His concern for us, His awareness of our needs: the phone call we’ve waited for, the ride we are offered, the letter in the mail, just the little things he does for us throughout the day. As we remember and notice his love for us, we just begin to fall in love with him because he is so busy with us- you just can’t resist Him.”

The first of these quotes focuses on our need for love, of the global need for love and the dire consequences when that is not received. If we can grasp that need all around us and the power to offer help and relief to that wherever we go, I think we can become consumed by a desire to love, which we begin to offer as it flows out of us, rather than reducing it to an idealized instruction. Do we realise that when Jesus says the greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength and to love our neighbours as we love ourselves, that He wasn’t just speaking nice words or something for us to repeat at Sunday School…..He was giving us huge clues for our own good and the good of humankind! We all need and desire love and it is best for us and for everyone if we can grasp the power of love at our disposal. 

The more we grasp that love ourselves, I think the more it will flow out of us to others. We ourselves have needs, needs that can be met ultimately through the love of the God who made us, who formed the Heavens and the Earth. Can we be aware of God’s love everyday, as her second quote suggested? How funny that in our culture, we are probably more likely to believe in the power to heal through counselling- based on a concept of unconditional care, consistency and that relationship as life is talked through- than through the unconditional love of a powerful, awesome God who created the Heavens and the Earth and each of us, is always interested in us and is with us every moment of our lives. He always has been and yet he loves us with an “everlasting love.” How powerful it could be if we grasp this, if we can learn to abide/remain in /stay in his love every day. 

I’m a great believer in therapy, but I’m a much greater believer that the real power is in love-and the greatest love we can come across is to be loved by God as we are. I think that is greatly minimized and underestimated, so that it is the minority of people in the world who truly grasp it, people like Mother Theresa. I want to grasp it more. I will start by abiding in God’s love. 

Getting Creative

Sometimes it is really good for us to focus on something positive, concentrate on something positive and give it all of our attention. I am doing this more and more at the moment. It seems to be a good strategy for aiding mental health. Last night I created jewellery, spent the evening looking at pretty beads and things. I did still react, but I loved doing it, especially as I did it with a few other people too, all sat around my dining table. One of those treasures amidst all of this, is the pleasure I am finding in things like this. Treasures hidden amongst the mud. Jewellery making is a treasure I am putting into my backpack as I keep on going through this muddy journey, ready to take it out sometimes and enjoy it along the way.

Driving in bad weather conditions

I remember when I was first learning to drive, I would only drive in the day time and it was quite some time before I had driven in rain. After I passed my test there were still occasions when I wouldn’t drive if the weather was bad. (To be honest I was a pretty bad driver back then so it was probably for the best!)  It took me a while to realise that what I thought were my full beam lights were my normal lights so whereas I had been driving round very dark roads with just my side lights on, I could have had more light and made it easier for myself. But I got more experienced, I improved. These days I am more confident driving in different conditions, just because I gained more experience. 

Sometimes it feels like I hit bad weather conditions in my emotional life…and it can make me freeze, panic, pull over and want reassurance that I am okay, get totally lost and confused about where I am and even which car is mine, who I am. I think this is my challenge for now. Learning not to freeze in adverse weather conditions. Learning to remember who I am and keep on driving when things hit the windscreen. It will get easier with practice. Time to start practicing.

Is coke still coke when it has lost it’s fizz ?

Normally I write in here when I am in a positive and reflective mind set, when I am feeling determined. It isn’t something I tend to do when I am at my worst. Tonight…tonight is different. Tonight I am the coke that has lost it’s fizz. I like reassurance when I don’t feel so good. I can look too much to people for contact, as if to reassure me I am ok. Sometimes I feel extremely panicky, unsure of who I am. It can be very confusing to feel so different to how you felt just a little while earlier. But I guess for now, I remind myself coke is still coke. Sometimes it is shaken up and fizzes over, sometimes it is totally flat…sometimes it is more how it is supposed to be, somewhere between. The same goes for me. But I am still me, that doesn’t change.

Update

It has been a busy few days! Not sure where to start, but am keen to do a quick update. On Monday we had a visit from a great man from our church,who is also a psychiatric consultant. He encouraged us and even phoned the consultant I was due to see for us…amazing. Tuesday I had an appointment with my clinical supervisor (in regards to my work as when I am at work I work in a therapist role.) I found that very encouraging. She reminded me of things and attitudes to help me embrace this the best way I can…Followed by an evening visit from another great couple from our church, they came with gifts and food and wine and we had a lovely evening together. I felt so cared for. Yesterday,after a coffee with my lovely neighbour,(who offered to teach me how to sew when I told her my resolve to make the best of this!) I was taken to see the senior psychiatric consultant. I was in a bad way there, it must be said, but he was lovely and my husband was amazing. The phone call from the consultant we know had been helpful and meant by his leading I could touch upon things I wouldn’t have been able to raise otherwise. The consultant doesn’t think I clearly fit into a box for any of the diagnoses suggested. At first I was pleased about that, but I did have a big wobble last night when I wasn’t so sure. But he has raised one of my medications and I will be referred to neurology and have a ct scan and he will see what support I can get. The best bit though was that even though he couldn’t tell me how long this will take, he did seem confident I can come through it and will work again. The appointment took a lot out of me and I really dipped afterwards. One challenge I often struggle with under the surface is waiting to hear from someone and that began to take hold in that. I know I was spiraling…but I think I caught it and am back to fixing my focus where it should be. Tonight and tomorrow me and a group of others are agreed to pray and fast for my health. Quite a group of us! How amazing to be so supported. In the night last night I felt a hand on my cheek and heard a voice say”God is making you the way he wants you to be.” And that my friends, is where I will leave the update….because regardless of the fact it is sometimes so very tough and I am in a bad way…(Which I could focus on and tell you about a lot more than I do) but I have hope and I have a God who loves me that I can trust.

God as our Loving Parent

Today I find myself thinking a lot about God in the role of both a father and mother to us, if we let him be that. Some things are too powerful to describe with words. I am (clearly!) lacking in many ways, yet I still love my children with a depth of love that is stronger than many, many things. A year ago I had a miscarriage. In many ways it was a very common occurrence, in that it was before 12 weeks. Statistically it happens a lot. Yet the grief for that loss of that child even so early on was such strong, intense emotion and something I still carry at times. I cannot begin to imagine how it must be to hold your child and then have that loss. 

God is often described as a “Father” in the Bible and it is something I am familiar with. I am aware this analogy can feel distorted due to our own misinterpretations of what that means. I am aware of the potential of that in my life. The idea of God as a deeply loving Father is one I have considered at times before, but something I think I may need to keep returning to, reminding myself of, especially at the moment. I must admit though, I was a little taken back last night when someone referred to parts of the Bible where God compares himself to the love of a mother. In church settings we hear God spoken about as our Father, we can get used to that..but the love of a mother…..I know what it means to love as a mother loves. That is something that made my ears prick up.

Isaiah 49:15
Contemporary English Version (CEV)
15 The Lord answered,
“Could a mother forget a child
who nurses at her breast?
Could she fail to love an infant
who came from her own body?
Even if a mother could forget,
I will never forget you.

The love of a mother is a very powerful thing. A child needs it. So much has been written and research has been done into that relationship. It is often the primary attachment relationship, and has such a huge impact on the child. There is so, so much on this topic, it is huge. The importance of this primary attachment for a child’s health, development and well being are widely accepted. It is more than just a warm fuzzy feeling or a nice image. It is something more powerful than I can express in this short post. 

It’s my birthday today. The day when we remember our birth…..Well, not literally…but I suppose I find it interesting that today, I am considering in a new way that God can offer himself to me as both Father and Mother, which in itself, really is all I need for life. Considering God in that role fills a deep longing in me, as if things start to feel more peaceful. 

This feels like I am only touching the iceberg….there are other verses of God as Father and Mother in front of me and child development theories and personal experiences, all fighting to get a place in this post today….but there is too much to say. So I will just leave you with these two and the fact that I know this is something I need to consider more…on different levels. 

Psalm 27:10
Contemporary English Version (CEV)
10 Even if my father and mother
should desert me,
you will take care of me.

Isaiah 66:13
New International Version (NIV)
13 As a mother comforts her child,
so will I comfort you;

  

God’s perspective is an eternal perspective

I realised something this morning. The people listed in Hebrews 11 of the Bible for having great faith, (I mentioned them earlier this week)…..many of them were commended for having faith when they didn’t actually see things fully happen before they died. They could see they were getting closer and we know from the Bible that the things they had waited for happened, but “they did not get the things that God promised his people, but they saw them coming far in the future and were glad. They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth..they were waiting for a better country-a heavenly country. So God is not ashamed to be called their God, because he has prepared a city for them.” All those people were living with a long term perspective, an eternal perspective. In this day and age, we have everything instantly. I found myself yesterday praying that I would get better soon. I believe I will get better, but yesterday was difficult, for both me and my husband and I found myself praying I would get better soon. then I wake up this morning and this is what I read and I remember that some things can never be taken from me, no matter how hard things get, no matter how things may seem. I remember that I need to have a long term perspective, an eternal perspective and be able to “see things coming far in the future and be glad.” I need to take time to be thankful and glad today, as well as taking time to rest.

 

“We don’t see t…

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” Anais Nin.

I read this quote this morning and I thought there was some truth in it. How we view things is so influenced by our perceptions, which are so impacted by our view of the world and past experiences amongst other things. it reminded me of a conversation with my husband earlier this week. He was talking about the fact that objects are not actually the colour that we see them, but that is just how we see them, based on the presence of light as it reflects on things. We had some interesting musings as we wondered if things are therefore actually grey, or black and white.. we are no scientists but one thing we were both really struck by was just how powerful light is. The world would look so different without light! For the world to be the world as we know it, we need light. I guess what I am getting at is that it is interesting that Jesus describes himself as the light of the world, obviously light is needed to see anything…..but also, light brings colour to the world and if we look at things with a perspective of light, how much better does everything look! So….if how I view things is more influenced by how I am than by how they are, I want to be looking with a perspective of “light” rather than a perspective based on a distorted view of the world, which may be more my fears or other negative potential driving forces. Can I put on “sunglasses” that, rather than being dark, are actually full of light, to view things based on the good stuff, the fact I know I can trust in God….my eyes of faith rather than fear I guess.

This post is a bit of a ramble…not my clearest one that is for sure! May have to return and edit at a later date….Until then, I hope you get what I mean! I want to look at things positively rather than negatively, as much as it depends on my viewpoint. For me, that means looking to Jesus in order for me to do that. 

Truth on a drip

I realise sometimes I sound quite calm, positive, eloquent even. I can be. Then there are other moments, when all of a sudden in a flash I have the most excruciating feelings, responses. Last night I turned the computer off and felt an intense feeling that made me scream. If my husband gets cross with my children and I am in another room, again it makes me really react. There are moments of the extreme for sure. I don’t know how to avoid those moments yet, all I know is that surely how I am in the other moments, the calmer moments will have an impact? I hope so. In the meantime I guess I will keep reminding myself of truths when I am able, when I am up to it. But don’t be deceived….I write this stuff because I know it on one level, but I want it to sink into me on every level there is. That is why I write. If it helps anyone else, that is a bonus. If it helps me to let people in more and see beyond the surface, that is another bonus. But the crux of it, I want the truth to permeate every ounce of my being. There isn’t an injection for that yet, so I will do it this way instead. 🙂